Thursday, October 8, 2009

Memo to Conan: Fresno's not that different than you, my friend.

I know you've had issues with Newark, Conan. As a person who loves to hang with all of the smart people in Fresno, I took offense to your little joke last night. What really pains me is that our dear city (aka #55) loves you so much that we elected your lookalike to our City Council.

What say you, Conan? Those jabs you took, while easy and cheap (feel free to make reference to the alignment between your insults and the women in Fresno...another easy joke), were really insults hurled at a city created in your image. When you hurt us, you are hurting yourself.

I want do not want to try and convince the world that we are cool, hip, and smart. All I want to do is for us to believe in ourselves (that mean you too, Conan)

Below are three ways Fresno and Conan are similar (let's make lemonade):

1) The Redheaded Stepchild Syndrome
You have red hair. Fresno (redhead) is not quite as cool as our older brother, San Francisco (brunette), or as cute as out pretty sister, Los Angeles (blond). But we don't let those hurdles slow us down. To think that a gangly redhead managed to get the desk of the late Johnny Carson is a testament to anything being possible. Fresno, likewise, has learned to embrace its traits even if the rest of the family (California) looks nothing like the stepchild...and lets us know it. We have three national parks. How cool are you now, SF? How you like our natural beauty, LA? Mom loves us.

2) Little Brother Grows Up
Remember how annoying a younger sibling can be? You are in high school, they are 10 years old. They want to hang out, but you tell them to bug off or scram or go play in the street. Then when you are 35 and they are 27 the gap seems to be a little less noticeable. Hell, they can still make a play with the cool crowd, while you are seen as the creepy old guy. Well, Fresno and Conan have grown up. The gap has closed and we are finally getting some respect. It's nice to be treated like an adult. It's nice to actually have value to contribute.

3) Sneaky Little Bastards
Oh, they thought we would just go away. Let's given Conan this little corner show and let him play. He can't harm anyone. What about Fresno? Ah, who cares? Let's allow them to stick around and hang out. They know their place: not seen and not heard. But we were plotting, planning our next move. Our chance to take over the world. They underestimated us. They called us dumb or inconsequential. But then Conan started kicking butt. The Fresno State baseball team shocked the world and won the National Championship. Sneaky. Watch out.

So...Conan, we will not ban you from our airport (FAT). We will show you love. Like the betrayed wife who thinks this time will be different. Is that a smart decision? How can we know for sure? We'll have to ask 54 other cities for their input.

What say you, Fresno? What say you, Council Member Borgeas? Can we still love our late night twin?

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  1. I think Triumph the dog is a Fresnan.

  2. We should start a campaign to get Conan (or at least Andy) to spend a couple days in Fresno.

  3. Sending Andy to Fresno for a weekend would make for a pretty hilarious bit. I'm for it!

  4. I need people...people who have the power to call other people to make this happen. I'd even settle for Triumph playing a set during the Rogue Festival or on a Saturday at Club One.

  5. Triumph or Andy in Fresno would be awesome.

    But you may want to ban Conan from Fresno because in Thursday night's monologe he used the dumb Fresno study as fodder and milked it when a Fresnan in the audience yelled out.

    I will have the clip up on The Frensna Saturday night at 1:01 (Bloggiest Moment Spoiler)